Essays of Years Ago

I was just sorting my documents. My clearbook has become quite thick. So I took out some papers that I can afford to leave. I just found out from Mom that I would need to get an NBI (National Bureau of Investigation) clearance because it's one of the requirements for a Bangladeshi visa.

What a pity I didn't file for it while I was waiting for my passport to come. But then, I had an excuse, I didn't really know. Call centers don't ask for it. But I'm straying here. So I was rummaging through my papers, when I found old, discolored yellow papers from high school. They were stuck in between my birth certificate and some other important document.

I looked closely. Then I remembered that I was once part of the Journalism team who represented the school in press conferences and competitions. It didn't take long, it all came back to me. For a couple of weeks, we were excused from regular class so we could stay in the library whole day long writing about different topics. It depends on what topic our coaches gave.

Reading the essays once again, I realized that I wasn't much of a writer. I couldn't even follow the general rule 'show don't tell.' My characters were underdeveloped, even for a short essay and I couldn't even use the correct punctuation marks at times. If I had a different, perhaps more experienced/knowledgeable teacher, then he/she would have said that I was more of a speaker than a writer. I noticed that what I wrote could have sounded better when spoken.

I'm not really sure if I'm being hard on myself. I was still in high school then so maybe I should cut myself some slack. But then, I think there's a grain of truth in this realization. One thing I don't regret, though, is that I tried, I really tried. And it's never too late.

Refreshing Change

There was so much love between my housemates and I. It's not like we go out everyday or very often. In fact, most of the time, we don't even know whether one is home or out and about.

But when we need help, each of us finds the time to extend her (since we're all ladies) hand. Be it an advice about where to get a portable stove or what career path to take, we always make it a point to share what we know. When Ate Thea had to take an exam for her law review class and one of her assignments was to handwrite 10 cases, she had to ask me for help.

Lately, I'm being drawn to go out and reestablish ties with acquaintances and relatives. Just last week, I paid a visit to my grandmother's older brother and some aunts and uncles. I met relatives from both my father's and my mother's side. It feels weird to me, but there must be a reason why all these things are happening now. I was never much of a socialite. If someone invites me or asks me out, most of the time I say yes. But I was never the one who parties every night. Even if I want to do that, my relatively demanding life wouldn't allow me.

Surprisingly, life seems to be getting less complicated. I find more and more time to contemplate and spend time with people dear to me. Just a few months ago, I often say goodbye as soon as the professor dismissed us. Most of the time, I didn't even have enough time to say 'hi' to my acquaintances. I didn't even make a lot of friends in the university because I was often in a hurry.

Nowadays, I can give them an hour or so to share what they want to. I have time to hang out with them and just laugh. What a refreshing change! Never knew it could make this much of a difference.

It makes more sense for me to devote more of my time to people I'll be interacting with more often - like my housemates. I've written about how one housemate of mine taught me a lot when it comes to relationships. I have only stayed in that small room for two years and I'm not even sure if I'm renewing the contract for yet another year. It's not that I don't want to live there anymore. In fact, if I was able to find a job nearby, I wouldn't hesitate in renewing the contract.

But as it is, I'm home now, with the family. Some of the companies I applied to haven't replied yet. I'm enjoying my stay at home and I still prefer it to staying in Manila, unable to cook and starving often. Plus, it's hard to get out of the house without spending. One needs more money to survive in Manila. It's also easy for me to get tired of the traffic, the long lines in MRT and the way jeepney drivers wait for passengers. I'm raring for a change of scenery. If there wouldn't be any, I feel like it's better for me to stay here.

I'm hoping to snag a job abroad for I want to experience a different culture and do something new. Aside from that, entry-level jobs here offer so little and demand so much from employees.

Choices, choices. Sometimes you wouldn't know how important something is until you lose it. I am sure I'll miss my housemates in the event I had to leave them. Just how much, I don't know yet. But then, I guess I have to get used to saying goodbyes and hellos.

Same Old Place = A Whole New Perspective

I've been staying in this room for almost two years. And yet, as I think about it, I haven't explored the place that much. Frankly, I didn't even pay attention to those things and I couldn't care less about exploring the place because I had the impression that this is just one of the cities in Manila - not so special.

But I guess I learned another thing from traveling. Since Thailand has striking similarities with Manila, I could just have bored myself to death in the hotel room thinking that I wouldn't see much. However, I thought I wouldn't have traveled all the way there just to be a hermit. What a waste of opportunity, esp. when I haven't traveled for 8 years.

So I was out most of the time, observing the shrines, the way people go about their daily lives. Heck, I almost got hit by a car because I forgot that Thailand streets practice right-hand drive. In the Philippines, I was so used to looking at the left side before crossing the street. In Thailand's case, one should look at the right side first.

Maybe I haven't been exploring enough here. Well, I do have an excuse, I'm trying to focus on my university load and my part-time job. I guess that disqualifies me from acting like a tourist, but I guess I could go out more. It might even do good for my writer's block. Who knows what I might discover?

I just renewed my contract last June. And since I'll be graduating on April 26th, I only have a few weeks to enjoy my stay here as a student. Well, I might stay here even after graduation, but who knows.

Just this Wednesday, we got a chance to chat with our new housemate. She had so many stories to tell that we ended up talking for hours. It didn't help that my other (older) housemate has a penchant for being theatrical when sharing her stories. When you talk to her, you'll get the impression that she hasn't had someone to share her stories with for years and years.

One thing I'm thankful for is that she prayed for an amiable housemate and that her prayers were answered. A lot has changed since my first few months of stay here. I could still remember how different my old roommates were. Two of them graduated from the same university and they just didn't care about about anyone save their well-being. We get it, they were homebodies who love to clean up. But, couldn't they just tell someone when they're upset and say it politely?

They quarreled with a person they don't know through writing. They would write hate messages all over the bathroom and the laundry room accusing us of stacking up garbage and leaving dirt marks on the bathroom. At least, my conscience is clear and what I used, I put back and cleaned. But it wasn't so happy to live with people who were always checking on others and waiting to get mad for their mistakes.

At first, I was friendly and chatty with them but over time I could feel how judgmental and uncaring they're becoming. After some time, they couldn't stand the predicament they themselves created and so they said goodbye. Eventually, the other roommate they're complaining at for not throwing the trash and leaving dirt marks also left. So there were a lot of changes. Thankfully, the one who replaced the two was quite chatty and theatrical but she's amiable and she makes an effort to maintain a good relationship with her other housemates.

Since she's OC when it comes to cleanliness, she reminds us and gives us tips from time to time but in a way that never strained our relationship. Then came Mai and her unbelievable patience and friendliness. We two hit it off. We would chat for hours on end and we shared a lot of things in common.

Whenever she cooked something, she wouldn't fail to ask me to eat with her or to just eat out with her. She gave great advice and made me realize that one can be intelligent (like my two housemates before) but still be friendly and caring. I just love her. She left a few months ago, but we still talk and she still visits from time to time. Her room is now being occupied by the new housemate who we just got to talk to last Wednesday.

It's funny how much one can learn in such a small unit like ours.

CWTS Field Trip 1

My eventful weekend is about to end. It started early last Saturday, not that I chose to but because I had to wake up early to pack my things for the Marine Science field trip and commute to Layac so I wouldn't be late.

My professor, Dr. Lourdes Cruz, (I'm just amazed at how down-to-earth she is, considering she's a national scientist!) really hates late-comers. I was supposed to join the first field trip of the class last month but I stupidly waited on the other side of the road and failed to confirm where they would pass. So I ended up waiting on the other side of the road. After a few minutes, they couldn't wait any longer so they left.

This time around, I couldn't let myself miss the trip, or I wouldn't be able to join the field trip and not graduate on time. Thankfully, I made it on time. I thought I was supposed to be riding the bus with the American volunteers, but it turned out that they made a stopover somewhere in NLEX so Ma'am Luly's van arrived much earlier. Aside from myself, Karen was the only student riding with Ma'am.

When we arrived at the Bataan Technological Park, Inc.(BTPI), it was very quiet. Ate Lyn was there cooking lunch for us. She was very busy cooking and she was in a hurry for unlike before, there were far more people. She had to cook for the Americans too.

Karen and I spent a lot of time talking about different things. I find it so much easier interacting with a person one-on-one. I asked many questions about her life and her view on working abroad. Like the typical UP student, she's full of idealism. While her relatives almost push her to work abroad and send home money, she has no desire to do that. She said that if she ever goes abroad, she wants to do so on vacation, not to be a servant of some foreigner.

She went on to tell me about her apartment in Manila where she watches tv for hours on end. She seemed quite serious when you talk to her, but in a group, as I was to find out later, she's hilarious. She likes Michael V and even performed some of his comedic stunts.

Hours passed before the bus where some of our classmates and the 15 or so American volunteers were riding came. I didn't get a lot of sleep the previous night but I didn't feel like catching up on sleep while waiting for them because I knew that the activities will soon follow. Shortly after they arrived, we ate lunch. Ate Lyn's cooking was surprisingly delicious and refreshing. If I remember it right, she cooked chicken adobo with potatoes and pineapple. There was also fish with sweet & sour sauce. After every meal, they give out candy mints.

The American volunteers didn't drink the water we served until after a day. I guess it's normal for westerners to doubt the cleanliness of food, drinks and utensils in developing countries. Most of my classmates complained because the number of dishes and utensils we had to wash more than doubled as compared to the last trip and the Americans didn't help in cleaning up. Though I didn't complain, it was just a surprise to me how they could act like that. I was thinking that if you volunteered in some country, you would go out of your way to cooperate with the citizens. They could have at least offered to help. Most Filipinos wouldn't mind that, even if they were just doing it for a show. I guess that's an Asian thing.

We went separate ways after lunch, with one group going to Sabang to teach the children while another choosing to climb the mountain and visit the Aeta community.

That night, the Aetas showed us a particular dance. We got a chance to mingle and talk to our guests, although it didn't meet my expectations. It started with some of my classmates and American volunteers playing the guitar. Too bad I couldn't play. But I noticed that most of my classmates are not sociable at all.

I tried hard to get everyone to participate, even thinking of games and ice-breakers. Some didn't want to join, but we were able to start after some delay. I ended up making mistakes in the pointing game so I had to humiliate myself by dancing. There was this guy who seemed very friendly and who went out of his way to mingle but I was just disappointed by my classmates because they weren't as enthusiastic. So nothing eventful happened.

You can check out some pictures here. It's actually one of my classmates' blog.

Resolution 1

Even during Christmas day, I couldn't resist tinkering with the laptop. In a way it's good that I got to stay home and have some time to talk with Mom and just think about my life. Sometimes, I wonder if I think too much (I guess it's a sign that I do), but then it's better than not thinking.

For a change, I'd want to use the reasonable side of me a bit less and exercise my heart more. After a while it gets harder to do that, esp. when life has dealt you with tough blows so much that your tendency is to avoid pain. It's what most coaches call the survival paradigm. I'd also like to borrow Mom's word. She has often said that when people make mistakes and suffer, the pain sometimes traumatizes them so they go to the extreme side. But after a while, God leads them to some kind of balance. I'd like to think of it that way.

I've also seen that in my own life. It's no secret to most of you that high school wasn't exactly the happiest time of my life. My friends deserted me and our finances collapsed. There was a point when I felt like I didn't exist whenever I was in school.

The experience has taught me a lot and although I couldn't imagine at the time how any good would come of it, a few years later, I was thanking God for letting those things happen. No person in his right mind would wish for those things to happen to him. But God knows best and if I just believed that then, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

Yet, I'm not perfect, the experience has left me some scars. I'm not sure if they're completely healed, but that's why I'm still alive. With every second, every breath, there's an opportunity to get better and to be more like Christ. Each person has a unique personality so we can't say that everyone would react the same after a particular experience.

As for me, I learned to enjoy spending time with myself. I realized that I could have fun if it was just me and that I could actually achieve some things I never thought I could. That's good. I think everyone at some point should recognize that because if you can't enjoy yourself, how could you make others enjoy when they're with you? You cannot give what you do not have.

On the other hand, that experience pushed me to trust myself more than anything else. It has gotten extreme. It became harder for me to just open up to someone else when I haven't proven their sincerity. I became more discriminating with people I interact with. I smiled less often, shared stories less often. I even hang out less often. I didn't notice it, but it was like I started building this shell to protect myself from pain. I didn't want to get hurt as much as I did last time and I figured I should be more discerning with people.

I know it may not be helping too much. The sad thing is when I push away others who mean well and end up saying no to what could be meaningful relationships. That's what bugs me at times. And it's just not that easy to break free from the shell and choose to trust.

Perhaps I haven't recuperated from the pain completely. But how long will it take? It's been almost 6 years after I graduated from high school and I just want to live life without regrets. I'd like to follow this advice, but I need some help: let go and let God.

My Ideal Job?

If I would be given a choice, I'd want a job that gives me some time to contemplate on my life. Being too busy imposes the tyranny of the urgent. People become more conscious about meeting deadlines and doing what should be done immediately, instead of focusing on greater things.

That's why I love breaks like this, albeit short. If you really look at it closely, the most important thing in life is relationships. Why? Isn't it that when you determine your priorities, you often come up with family and career? Both involve relationships.

One of my biggest hopes is to not live my life only to regret that I neglected this aspect. I feel that I'm actually in danger of this because I'm a person who tends to get addicted to something. Relationships are not like machines which immediately lets you know that there is a problem. How I wish they were. Sometimes you only see the sign when problems have accumulated and when the people you think you love don't feel that love.

Christmas Eve's Happenings

Most people would rather go out during this time. It's a festive season, and almost everyone all over the world celebrate Christmas. Aside from that, some Filipinos opt to get away from their godchildren, and going out is better than staying home pretending no one's home.

My family and I celebrated Christmas eve over at grandma's. It's been a tradition older than a century. I just wonder if grandma ever gets tired of cooking and always making sure that the bowls don't go empty.

My sisters didn't bother organizing games and special activities as they figured that the little kids would be much too excited to play with their new toys. As it turned out, it was us adults who ended up playing the games. After that, the singing went on for more than an hour. It was past midnight when we decided to go home.

What usually happens on Christmas day is: everyone's tired after a long night of socializing and partying. So we end up sleeping until late in the morning or at noontime.

During Christmas day itself, many kids, however, start their day early in order to visit as many relatives as they can and receive aginaldo. It's indeed easier to make kids happy during Christmas.

We didn't get out today. We usually attend the party at Mom's side of the family, but we figured that we need to retire early today so we'll have energy for tomorrow's outing. Grandma wants to start the day early and visit Abe's Farm in Pampanga.

Although I love getting presents, I didn't dwell too much about the subject. Besides, I didn't get too many at all, on the material side. I focused more on the intangible stuff, which you'll know more about on my next post.